Stop Selling Yourself Short

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How to Eliminate Negative Thought (3 day Challenge)

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What are Limiting Beliefs?

So in the last post we talked about how certain experiences from childhood hold us back from doing and having what we want. It’s important to understand why this happens so that we can break free of these self-imposed limitations.

What are limiting beliefs?

 At the most basic level we need to be able to recognise perilous situations so that we can protect ourselves from danger. If we don’t learn that putting a hand in a fire is dangerous there’s nothing to prevent us from doing it again and suffering the same consequences. So it’s important to learn from our experiences so we can protect ourselves from harm.

The problem arises when the beliefs that we form get in the way of our personal growth or hold us back from achieving something we want. We begin to create stories that become distorted over time (check out this short story from a previous blog and you’ll see what I mean!).  We begin to apply labels to ourselves like I’m too old, I’m too young, I’m a woman, I’m not clever enough, I’m not white, I’m too short etc. We use these beliefs (excuses) to keep us in our comfort zone where it feels safe. These are called limiting, or negative beliefs.

How do we develop limiting beliefs?

Our parents most often have the biggest influence on our belief systems. There’s an old saying about turning into your parents even if it’s the last thing you want to happen.  Over-protective parents may have given us too many warnings about taking risks while some of us may have been at risk from their parents from neglect to abuse.  Those extremes and everything in between will give a child a perspective on what to believe in order to stay safe. Just watching her parents gives a child a perspective on what’s safe and what isn’t. There are all kinds of other influences such as peer pressure from other kids, teachers, the environment, media, social structure; even DNA!

We may not always be able to break free of every limiting belief but we can shed some of them and update our thinking on others. We’ll start looking at how to do that in the next few posts. What limiting beliefs do you have that are holding you back? If you’d like to ask a question or share an experience please leave a comment.

Are you Suffering the Effects of a Difficult Childhood?

by fatima-abdelghani      emaze

Are you one of the millions of people in the western world that would consider their childhood to have been particularly tough? Maybe you were abused physically or emotionally when you were very young and feel that this has been holding you back from living a “normal” life.

Well that’s my story. If you’re like me, on the surface you may feel that there are children in war zones or starving around the world that would have willingly swapped what we went through for a few slices of bread and a jug of clean water. Consciously we may understand that we live in a privileged society but it doesn’t seem to help does it? At some level we feel wounded; even emotionally disabled in some way!

 About 10 years ago (in my mid 40’s) I decided that I’d had enough of that feeling and that I wanted to explore the anger and fear that I had carried around with me for so many years. I started to read self-help books (again) that I hoped might help me and eventually came across the number one best selling book ‘The Dark Side of the Light Chasers’ by the late Debbie Ford (RIP my friend and mentor).

That book was to change my life… well that’s not strictly true; I changed my life but that book was the catalyst for change. It helped me take responsibility for my present feelings and actions and which gave me the power to finally make a few changes. That may not be what you want to hear but until we accept responsibility for the choices that we’re making in the present we have no power to alter the way things are. No one else can do it for you. This ultimately led me to become a certified life coach. I wanted to help people overcome the debilitating effects of low self-esteem. That was my mission and at first I failed miserably.

Just like a recovering alcoholic that lack of self-esteem is always likely to be with me at some level. That’s the bad news. The good news is that lack of self-esteem will always be with me at some level. An over inflated ego can be just as damaging as one that’s under inflated so looking to strike a healthy balance should take some of the pressure off. A recovering alcoholic will always admit to being one even though he may never touch another drop. Even the most seemingly confident people lack self-esteem at times.

If you feel like you’re failing miserably don’t give up. You can find another perspective. I know that’s true because I did. How we can embrace a difficult past and use it to our advantage is the subject of  my next topic starting in a few days time, so do sign up and we can explore it together. Why not ask a question or leave a comment and return here to find some tips and tricks that just may help.

Stop Being a People-Pleaser - How to be Yourself

Leo Gura: actualized.org

How to get around the 'Authenticity Paradox'

Want to get around the Authenticity paradox? The first step is to stop being inauthentic. That’s how we get around the authenticity paradox.

It’s not that we’re learning how to be authentic, but that we’re un-learning inauthenticity.

And it turns out that un-learning inauthenticity is very doable.

The first step is to notice when it arises.

That’s it. Just notice it.

The moment you catch yourself being inauthentic—saying something you don’t believe, pretending to feel something you’re not—you’ll want to shake it off pretty quickly. The instinct will be strong, because there’s nothing fun or easy about pretending to be something you’re not. At the end of the day, we all just want to get back to being ourselves.

Then, listen to that instinct.

When you feel the bullshit arising, when you feel the discomfort of pretending to be someone you’re not, stop and pay attention.

That might seem obvious, and it is, but this is where most people—even people who are truly committed to becoming more authentic—get stuck. It’s one thing to notice the tendency to be inauthentic. It’s another to admit that it’s happening, right now, in you, and that there’s another way to be.

Next, take a moment and have a laugh.

Seriously. This is important. You catch yourself defending a point of view you might not really hold, or tolerating someone’s toxicity out of obligation, or fighting for a job you don’t really want. Whatever the situation, the moment you catch yourself having an inauthentic moment, stop and enjoy the discovery.

So you were being inauthentic just now—how funny! You forgot who you were for a moment. Now you remember. Well that was weird…

The other day I was on the phone with my partner, and we had just gotten a list of questions from a journalist interested in our company. The questions were a little strange, a little misleading, and totally out of left field. We spent a few minutes discussing them together, trying to come up with good answers, suddenly finding ourselves inarticulate and confused, each of us getting more worked up as we tried harder and harder to find answers to these not-so-great questions.

Suddenly, I stopped.

“I’m kind of stressed out,” I said.

“Me too!” he said.

And in that little moment, everything shifted. We both realized the questions were unhelpful. We both remembered that we totally knew how to talk about our business. And suddenly, we started coming up with new ideas, new talking points—and they were way better than what we were talking about a moment earlier.

I had been drawn in by a situation—in this case, a list of questions—and had quickly forgotten who I was: a guy who loves talking about what he does, who knows AOC inside and out, who’s excited to share our work with other people. I then started pretending to be this other guy who has clever answers to bad questions. That guy wasn’t a very good partner, and the moment I realized it, I knew I had to say something. After we both recognized our frustration and had a laugh, I remembered who I was, and suddenly I knew exactly what to do. I was back to being myself. I was authentic again.

Laughing at yourself in the moment will also help you avoid another tempting trap: Beating yourself up for being inauthentic. That’s not what we’re here to do. (In fact, I’d argue that being hard on yourself is a very inauthentic thing to do.) It doesn’t feel good, because it’s totally unnecessary. You’re human. It’s normal to slip into inauthentic moments. We’ve learned some funny behaviors from the world around us over the years. Sometimes we forget who we are. It’s all good.

Because when you notice the inauthenticity arising…

You just stop, notice it, and accept it…

And enjoy that moment of remembering who you really are…

You’re on your way toward being more authentic.

Which leads us to the last step in the process…

Finally, you have to be willing to put your inauthenticity aside.

That’s a little harder. A lot of us rely on our roles, our beliefs, our positions, our identities. They’re comforting. They’re familiar. They allow us to navigate the world in a safe and predictable way. Putting them down would mean losing something that we’ve been using, probably for a long time.

Because who are you without the persona? What are you going to say if you don’t give the bullshit compliment? Why are you at this party if you don’t know what to talk about? Do you belong in this meeting if you don’t know the answers?

That’s why a lot of what we do here at AOC is a subtractive process. In some cases, we’re here to add things to you—techniques, skills, sensibilities, frameworks. In other cases, we’re here to remove things—limiting beliefs, assumptions, fears, and—as a result—inauthenticity.

Ultimately, you don’t become more authentic by trying to be more authentic (remember the paradox!), but by removing all the other stuff—the hollow statements, the biased beliefs, the silly opinions, the feigned interest, the canned responses, the formulaic answers—that makes up your inauthenticity.

Authenticity isn’t the presence of something, but the absence of everything that isn’t authentic.

Let that sink in. You’re not here to add anything to become more authentic. You’re only here to take away anything that isn’t real. Remember that when you find yourself disconnected from who you really are, and you’ll quickly find a path back to a fun, enjoyable, authentic moment.

Once you put aside your inauthenticity, you’re left with only one option: You have to be yourself. You have no other choice. It’s a little scary, but it’s also liberating.

As Oscar Wilde said:

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Jordan Harbinger -  The Art of Charm

Learning how to be Authentic is Not Possible!

If authenticity is the feeling of being your real self, then we can define inauthenticity as the feeling of not being your real self.

That can take many forms: masquerading as someone you’re not, compromising what you feel is right, feeling strange in your own skin, mimicking those around you, or generally feeling like you’re not one with your day-to-day experience.

You might recognize inauthenticity as a kind of pretending. It comes along with feelings of fraudulence, deception, self-consciousness, and the feeling that you need to keep up appearances. For many of us, that describes our work personas. For others, that describes who we are in a relationship.

These patterns can become so ingrained that being authentic seems more uncomfortable than faking it. Once we’ve gotten to that point, we can be pretty sure it’s time for a change.

Now, we should pause here and make an important distinction. At its core, inauthenticity does not feel truly comfortable. But let’s not confuse inauthenticity with discomfort. These are two different things.

For example, you might feel uncomfortable approaching a stranger at a bar. But that doesn’t mean approaching a stranger is inauthentic. You can have your experience of being uncomfortable talking to a stranger while remaining authentic about just how uncomfortable you really are.

In fact, that’s exactly what our residential programs are all about: trying new techniques, feeling the discomfort, and being honest—that is, authentic—about how uncomfortable those techniques can feel at first. Over the program, we work through the self-consciousness, and what felt uncomfortable becomes normal, and what felt inauthentic becomes real.

(By the way, that explains why “flawed” approaches can sometimes work really well. I’ve seen guys walk up to girls, tell them how nervous they are to say hello, and go on to have great conversations. At the very least, they’re not pretending, which frees them up to have a real moment. Humans—women especially—are authenticity lasers: They zero in on that shit. People know when they’re talking to the real thing.)

So remember: Discomfort is good, and is usually a sign that you’re being stretched. You might not normally go up to a stranger in a bar, but that doesn’t mean you’re being inauthentic by trying. As a great Harvard Business Review article explains, moving beyond our comfort zones can make us want to protect our identities by retreating to familiar behaviors and styles—behaviors and styles that don’t actually serve us, that aren’t who we really are deep down.

And that’s a corollary to the authenticity paradox: You can be inauthentic by doing what seems authentic (that is, what feels most comfortable), and you can be more authentic by trying things that feel inauthentic (that is, new thoughts and behaviors that are uncomfortable simply because they’re new).

Crazy, I know. But that’s how our minds can deceive us into avoiding who we really are.
Jordan Harbinger -  The Art of Charm

So back to the problem: If we can’t try to be more authentic, then how can we become more authentic? Find out how in the next post. Leave a comment.

How to Stop being Inauthentic

There’s something funny about the way we talk about authenticity. We want to learn authenticity; we want to react authentically; authenticity is something we want to get. We treat being authentic as something we have, as opposed to something we are which can keep us from actually developing this trait, since we’re trying to attain something that, by definition, we already have.

If we define authenticity as simply being your true self, then we really shouldn’t have to look for it in the first place. If we’re looking for it, then we’ve already lost it. And that is what we can call the paradox of authenticity.

 If you’re trying to be authentic, you’re not being authentic. So how can we possibly learn to become more authentic? We have to start by understanding why authenticity is so important. It might seem obvious, but it’s not. After all, we live in a world that thrives on inauthenticity. Traditional jobs run on office politics, the news feeds on false information, celebrities pretend to be real people, brands curate fan pages, even our friends put on nice faces or say what we want to hear to keep us happy. We don’t need to belabor the point, but it’s important to realize how much of our lives are driven by bullshit, which is the lack of authenticity.

But if you think about the moments in your life that are meaningful—I mean truly meaningful—you will always find a degree of realness, of true authenticity. A heartfelt compliment, an honest job review, a great movie, an actually enjoyable first date: these all involve at least some degree of authenticity.

The reason we recognize authenticity is that we’re primed to respond to it. And we’re primed to respond to it authentically. In short, we know it when we see it. And it feels good. It feels true. It feels like something real, which is why it resonates so strongly with us. If we put up with a world that is so often inauthentic, it’s only because we’ve forgotten what real authenticity feels like. But that only makes us hungrier for it, which explains why a politician with even a hint of truth or a speaker who dares to be vulnerable has the power to inspire us.

And when they do—how special! We can probably count those moments on one hand. They’re extraordinary. We feel moved by authentic people, we feel attracted to them. Similarly, we feel attractive when we are being authentic, and when we connect with someone who is authentically engaging with our attractiveness. When we have a killer job interview or a truly special date, what we’re usually saying is that we encountered a moment of mutual authenticity.

Being authentic is also a lot easier. It’s tempting to forget, but being yourself—and being around other people who are themselves—is much easier than pretending, or falsifying, or putting on a social mask, which are common ways to cope with a world that feels false. In fact, it’s inauthenticity that makes pick-up lines, memorized openers and canned responses so attractive. These techniques seem easier, until we discover that they only go so far. They break down as soon as a relationship demands real authenticity, at which point we realize how much easier it would have been to just be ourselves.

So on multiple levels, we’re craving that realness: we want to be authentic, and we want to be around authenticity. The more we try to be something else—what our parents told us we should be, what our jobs demand us to be, what other people seem to think we should be—the more the desire to just be ourselves grows stronger.

If you need any more evidence for why this trait is so important, ask yourself whether you feel better being yourself or pretending otherwise. I think if we’re being honest, it always feels better to be authentic. If it ever feels better to be inauthentic, it’s only because we haven’t quite learned how to be ourselves.

So if authenticity is something we all want, but it’s impossible to have, since it’s something you are and not something you get, then authenticity must be impossible to teach, right?

As I like to say, teaching someone how to be authentic is like teaching someone to be taller. It might even be worse, because no one can fake being taller, but they can definitely fake being authentic. In fact, they do it all the time, as we just discussed.

So how can you learn to become more authentic? As we’ve already discovered, you can’t. That’s the trap. What you can do, however, is stop being inauthentic.

How? That’s where we’ll begin in the next post. Leave a comment. 

Jordan Harbinger -  The Art of Charm

Create an Authentic Life: 5 ways to get Started

Here are five ways to get started on creating an authentic life:

1. 1. Redefine your values. It’s hard to behave in an authentic way if you do not know what you value and desire. Often, we hold tight to the same values we grew up with, when we need to reevaluate what feels right to us now and align our actions around those things. Get clear on what you care about and authenticity will take hold.
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3. 2. Foster an open mind. Authenticity flourishes when we experience the world wholly, from every perspective. Rigid, good/bad thinking keeps us trapped in judgment and limitation, which causes us to shut down our vulnerable, authentic self. Challenge yourself to look at all sides of the situation. 
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5. 3. Be open. Fill in the blank: If you really knew me you’d know this: __________. This is a prompt Mike Robbins gives to seminar participants. Not only does it prompt introspection and allow people to reveal essential aspects of themselves, it also builds trust, credibility and confidence with the person you are sharing it with. Authenticity does sometimes feel scary and vulnerable, but it also builds intimacy.
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7. 4. Notice when you are being inauthentic. Robbins suggests that you pay attention to those times when you are insincere in your speech, or when you are acting in a way that doesn’t align with your core values. Then explore the fears and beliefs that may create those barriers to your authenticity.
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9. 5. Trust your intuition. Often, we feel out of sync when we are acting inauthentic. Things just don’t feel right. Pay attention to those hunches, physical sensations, and impressions. They can be your instincts telling you that you are not being genuine. When you are on track and authentic, you’ll feel that too.
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“Who we are evolves and changes,” Robbins says. “This is a dynamic process and one we can keep moving into at deeper levels. Feel that, pay attention to that. This is less about a destination than a journey of going deeper to keep discovering and unfolding new pieces of ourselves as we go.”

by Polly Campbell

The 7 habits of Truly Genuine People (Part 2)

Here's the second part of this 2 post series called 'The 7 habits of truly genuine people'. How many of these traits do you have or are you willing to cultivate?

4. Genuine people are not threatened by failure. The reason most people follow conventional routes is they are supposedly "proven" and "safer," and therefore more likely to yield success. On the other hand, taking the road less (or never) travelled is risky and can lead to failure. Yet, genuine people do so because they are not threatened by the idea of failing. In fact, they view failure as an integral part of their journey, a source of learning, and an enriching experience from which they can grow. Because they find failures instructive rather than threatening...

5. Genuine people can admit their faults. To be true to your feelings and opinions you must first be honest with yourself about your thoughts, beliefs, and behavior—which means confronting the bad along with the good. As such, genuine people are likely to recognize their faults and shortcomings, to accept them, and to take responsibility for their actions as a result. Indeed, their general ability to own their faults, mistakes, and failures extends beyond how they see themselves such that...

6. Genuine people are not judgmental of others. Being honest about their own faults and embracing individuality and differences leads genuine people to be less judgmental and more accepting of the people around them. Their fundamental assumptions about human complexity and their reluctance to view people via the lens of bias or preconceived expectations allows them a purer perspective that usually leads to direct and honest interactions and relationships. And all of the habits listed above stem from one core psychological characteristic of genuine people...

7. Genuine people have solid self-esteem. Having solid self-esteem means having stable self-esteem that is neither too high nor too low. (Narcissists, for example, have high but brittle self-esteem.) As a result, genuine people can tolerate and absorb failure and criticism, admit their faults, and be accepting of others because they are not threatened by imperfection. Indeed, having solid self-esteem means, by definition, that you can absorb both negative and positive feedback and acknowledge aspects of your character that might need work or improvement without diminishing your overall sense of self-worth.

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From Psychology Today by Guy Winch PhD (Author of ‘The Squeaky Wheel’)

The 7 Habits of Truly Genuine People (Part 1)

This is part 1 of a 2 part series on the 7 habits of authentic people. Forming these habits will change your life beyond to the extremes of your imagination.

“We tend to value "genuine" people and think poorly of those whom we perceive as being "fake"—but why is that? After all, what motivates "fakeness" is an effort to appear more appealing or impressive, so shouldn’t we find people who care about our opinions more appealing than those who, by definition, do their own thing regardless of what we think?

Well, no, we shouldn’t—and for three basic reasons:

     1.    We are much more likely to trust a genuine person than a fake one because we believe those who are true to themselves are also likely to be truer and more honest with us.

2.    We often associate genuineness with appealing traits, such as strength of character and emotional resilience—and correctly so, as being true to yourself takes confidence, tenacity, and often even bravery. 

3.    We are attracted to uniqueness and individuality, qualities genuine people usually have in spades.

Many journeys of self-improvement and self-discovery involve efforts to live a more authentic life. Adopting the following seven habits can help you become a more genuine person—however, balance is important. Overdoing any of these might do more harm than good so be sure to set moderate, not extreme, goals when it comes to working on them.”

1. Genuine people speak their mind. This is actually a two-step habit. Genuine people take time to figure out their own opinions and perspectives about things, and they are not shy about sharing their thought-out opinions with others. The manner in which they share their opinions also matters: Genuine people are comfortable presenting their ideas without expecting or needing to convince others they are right. One thing that helps them get in touch with their true opinions and perspectives is...

2. Genuine people respond to internal expectations, not external ones. Genuine people spend time thinking about and exploring their own beliefs, ideals, standards, and expectations because they rely on the answers to these questions to give them direction and purpose in life. Of course, identifying your own ideas and beliefs is not necessarily easy, since they can easily conflict with the beliefs and standards of the families, communities, and cultures in which you were raised. Indeed, being authentic is often associated with being brave because you're then likely to do the following...

3. Genuine people forge their own paths. Being authentic is not just about what you think or say but what you do and how you are in the world. Being guided by an internal compass means not having to follow the conventional or typical routes others take to achieve their goals. Therefore, genuine people search for and discover their own unique way of pursuing their passions and purpose, often forging an entirely new path as they do. The risk of forging a new and unproven path is that not all your efforts will be successful.

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From Psychology Today by Guy Winch PhD (Author of ‘The Squeaky Wheel’)

Just Be You - Sing Your Song

Scott: Expression to Depression

What does it mean to be Authentic?

“Authenticity,” as defined about 13 years ago by psychologists Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis, is “the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

At its root, authenticity requires self-knowledge and self-awareness. Authentic people accept their strengths and weaknesses. They are accountable. They are connected to their values and desires and act deliberately in ways that are consistent with those qualities.

Authenticity is about being genuine and real, says Mike Robbins, a corporate trainer and the author of Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Already Taken. It allows us to connect deeply with others because it requires us to be transparent and vulnerable.

“It is important because it liberates us from the pressures of always trying to be something else, always trying to be perfect,” Robbins says.

Robbins began exploring authenticity and his own sense of self nearly 15 years ago, after an injury derailed his major league baseball career.

“It was a sad and painful way to learn to appreciate what I have,” he says. “I had to discover who I was if I was no longer a baseball player.”

SELF-AWARENESS IS THE CORNERSTONE OF AUTHENTICITY

Authenticity starts when you set the intention to be genuine. Then, there must be an awareness of what that looks and feels like, and a willingness to act in accordance with your genuine nature even when it feels vulnerable.

When you live with this kind of self-awareness, decisions are easier because you are free to choose things that move you closer to your values. You are able to stand in the presence of your imperfections, because you can accept your humanity. You can also embrace your talents and abilities.

Authenticity may also require you to make unpopular decisions or to acknowledge aspects of yourself that you’d rather hide away, but in the end it allows you to live a more open, honest, and engaged life.

This seemingly intangible quality of authenticity, then, has very tangible outcomes. Authentic people feel better, according to research by Kernis, Goldman and others. They are more resilient, less likely to turn to self-destructive habits for solace. They tend to be purposeful in their choices and more likely to follow through on their goals.

If, instead, you find yourself feeling fragmented, unhappy, bored, stressed, stuck, or uninspired, it could be a sign that you aren’t acting authentically. That’s something you can change right now.

10 Qualities of Authentic People

Can you think of any others? Leave a comment

Authenticity - Be yourself!

Tiffany Alvord (Official Video) (Original)

Does this video speak to you? Yes or No?

Authenticity or 'Act as if?'

So should I be authentic or should I act as if? Which is best for my self-esteem.... and does one compromise the other?

A few years ago I had a 'light bulb moment' about my self-esteem whilst taking part in doing some 'Shadow ' work (which I'll talk about in later blog posts). I was reminded of this recently whilst reading Robert Kelsy's book 'What's Stopping You?'

I realised that I can't change my chemistry and the things I learned as a kid are set. They are a large part of my mind which was set by the time I was around 7 years old and they're going to be with me for as long as I'm human. I have no control over my reptilian 'fight, flight or freeze' brain so why baulk it? That was such a great relief because now after all these years I no longer have to fight my 'knee jerk' reactions. Accepting them as a part of my make up allows me the presence of mind to overcome their effects more quickly and often times create better outcomes.

I've spent so much of my time trying to prove myself to others as someone I'm really not and it cost me dear. It cost me self-respect, loads of nervous energy, and for so long the ability to like myself for who I am. I spent loads of time thinking something was wrong with me and that if I was to be loved or even liked I'd have to pretend to be someone else; stronger, braver, far more in control, you get the idea. I also learned that there are areas in which I have high self esteem. Everyone's really good at some things.

I now feel that self-esteem is a little overrated. If you can take the necessary actions however you're feeling. you're onto a winner; which often results in raising your level of self-esteem, at least temporarily. It's not easy I know but at least now I don't have to be superhuman; what a relief!  It's not the thought that counts, it's the actions that count.

I've learned that trying to do things on my own wasn't working for me so I got help. You can get help to take the pressure off, and it doesn't necessarily need to be professional help. Just reading more of the stuff that moves you and confiding in someone you really trust can start you on a road to a better life.

Authenticity or 'act as if?' What works best for you and when? I'm so interested to know so please leave a comment.

Are you as Authentic as an Elephant?

2WomenAndThaELePhaNt 12 October 2013

What's holding you back?

This is a rather well known story worth retelling.

In Thailand, they have a simple way to keep an elephant docile and under control.

When the elephant is a baby, the keeper ties the baby elephant with a strong rope to a tree. Of course, the free spirited, uninhibited baby elephant tries to escape but is held back by the rope. The baby elephant will try to break free, time and again, tugging hard at the rope that would not break.

After a while, the baby elephant is exhausted by its futile efforts. Its once free spirit is broken. It believes that there is no hope. It yields and just accepts its assigned position and situation.

The hopelessness and learned helplessness stays in the elephant’s unconscious mind even when it grows into an adult. Even when the adult elephant can snap the rope with just a casual tug, it will make no such attempt. So strong is this limiting belief that has been etched in the unconscious mind of the elephant.

Are there any limiting beliefs holding us back like the elephant? Are there setbacks in our childhood that still have a hold on us like the baby elephant’s rope?

Whenever you baulk at a challenge, ask yourself if you are being held back by a limiting belief or assumption, carried over from a bad experience from your childhood or just one unfortunate episode from long ago.

Isn’t it time to break free of the imaginary bond of that limiting belief? What do you reckon? Do leave a comment.

Posted by itrustican 

Is high self-esteem a good thing?

A comprehensive review of self-esteem research published in the journal of the Association for Psychological Science in 2003 is entitled “Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles?”

According to its authors, a team of professors from major universities, the answer is no, no, no, and no.

“Our findings do not support continued widespread efforts to boost self-esteem in the hope that it will by itself foster improved outcomes,” the authors warn. In fact, “indiscriminate praise might just as easily promote narcissism, with its less desirable consequences.”

(Credit: Alan Bailey via Shutterstock/Salon)

They recommend instead that high self-esteem be promoted not as a basic birth right but rather as a goal attained through achievements and ethical behaviour. (Hey, why did no one ever think of this before? Oh wait, they did. It was how every culture on Earth functioned until a few years ago.) In other words, feeling good should stem from doing good deeds!

Self-loathing and narcissism are both unhealthy because both are forms of self-absorption, albeit at opposite extremes. Whether we are always sorry or never sorry, it is all about us.

Most spiritual paths advocate a conscientious middle ground. According to these doctrines, good people just do good, which generally entails neither playing dead nor playing God.

According to the Tao Te Ching, a sage “does not consider himself right, and thus is illustrious. He does not brag, and thus has merit. … The sage knows himself but does not display himself.”

Spiritual texts laud the modest and the humble. “The palace pillar is wide, but the human heart should be modest,” reads a Shinto poem. “The inhabitants of Paradise will be all the humble and the weak,” reads Islam’s Hadith of Bukhari. “Be humble; be harmless; have no pretension,” urges the Hindu Bhagavad-Gita.

Modesty is not shame but decorum. Humility is not self-abasement but respect.
Low self-esteem does not enlighten us. Self-loathing is not holy. But, all else aside, low self-esteem makes us contemplative and introspective. Our perfectionism makes us diligent. We celebrate small pleasures – albeit because we believe ourselves unworthy of big ones. We try hard. We aim to please. 

Low self-esteem makes some of us creative – as we seek meaning in pain. Low self-esteem makes some of us respectful – because we assume everyone is better than us. Low self-esteem makes some of us gentle – because we are not strong. Low self-esteem makes some of us hilarious – because self-deprecating humour is humour indeed. Low self-esteem makes some of us good listeners – because we do not want to listen to ourselves. Low self-esteem makes some of us empathic – because we have suffered, so we know.

Excerpt  from "Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself" by Anneli Rufus

So is high self esteem a good thing? Leave a comment and have your say.

F.E.A.R. What's your fear?

Theories abound that elephants are afraid of mice because the tiny creatures nibble on their feet or can climb up into their trunks, but there's no evidence to back up either of those claims. The elephant's fear has more to do with the element of surprise than the mouse itself.

So what's your fear? What do you think of this video? Over 1 million views. Is it jumbo mumbo jumbo?

Low Self Esteem. That's good!

Did you know that Elephants have a more developed hippocampus, a brain region responsible for emotion and spatial awareness, than any other animal including human beings?

I know what most of the Guru’s say, I’ve read so many of their books, but have you ever tried to give up a truly debilitating bad habit? You can go to AA meetings and work on your alcoholism but you’ll always be a self-confessed alcoholic and recovering alcoholics use this knowledge to their advantage. 

Just take a look at the word “Mindset”. Doesn’t the very word suggest that the mind is actually set? To change concrete once it’s set (our beliefs once we become adults) can feel like an almost impossible task! Maybe we don’t have complete control over our minds. Isn’t that what the evidence suggests?

I wondered how it would be if in the same way I just went ahead and admitted that I have low self-esteem and made changes to my life despite this knowledge, just like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict. That way I could use the tools for change but it would sure take off some of the pressure. For the rest of his life a recovering alcoholic will tell you he’s an alcoholic even if he never touches another drop. One of the features of low self-worth is that we spend so much time beating ourselves up for our shortcomings. The negative mindset of someone who’s depressed and feels inadequate or unworthy doesn’t lend itself to making positive changes.

So if nothing so far has worked to your satisfaction, stick around and let’s see what can be done. This blog is as much an inquiry as a solution, and what works for Peter may not work for Jane but there’s always someone out there who feels the same way you do. Why not leave a comment and see?

A Warm Welcome!

Hello and a very warm welcome to my new blog. My name is Dwight and I’m here to share information with you about…… you guessed it; Self-development; yours and mine. Information about how we can make the most of our circumstances despite the obstacles that always seem to pop up and stunt our growth in some or all areas of our lives. About what’s really working for us ….. and what isn’t.

So why “The Self-Development Elephant? Well, I think Elephants are amazing animals and there's so much we could learn from them. I'll be sharing some of these things with you in the coming weeks and months.  

They say that Elephants never forget. There are things we’ve experienced in life that consciously we may have forgotten about, but they remain in our subconscious hard wiring and just seem come out of nowhere; controlling our behaviour at the most inappropriate of times. Same situation, same old reaction, even if it’s not the way we would have liked to react!

I’ve been interested in self-development from a very early age because at one time in my life I thought something was wrong with me and I wanted to change that. If you've ever felt that way and if you’re reading this I guess you developed more than a passing interest yourself at some stage in your life. I think at some level we’re all interested in having a better life for ourselves and our loved ones too; that feeling is a part of being human. Many of us are still looking for that magic bullet! 

I think someone once said "The more powerful the question, the better the solution" or maybe it was just me! Anyway, I had the thought that I’d like to explore what for me has made making progress so hard to do and it dawned on me that it might be a great thing if others who felt the same might come with me on this journey of self-discovery. If that’s you then why not keep leave a comment, or better yet sign up?