How to get around the 'Authenticity Paradox'

Want to get around the Authenticity paradox? The first step is to stop being inauthentic. That’s how we get around the authenticity paradox.

It’s not that we’re learning how to be authentic, but that we’re un-learning inauthenticity.

And it turns out that un-learning inauthenticity is very doable.

The first step is to notice when it arises.

That’s it. Just notice it.

The moment you catch yourself being inauthentic—saying something you don’t believe, pretending to feel something you’re not—you’ll want to shake it off pretty quickly. The instinct will be strong, because there’s nothing fun or easy about pretending to be something you’re not. At the end of the day, we all just want to get back to being ourselves.

Then, listen to that instinct.

When you feel the bullshit arising, when you feel the discomfort of pretending to be someone you’re not, stop and pay attention.

That might seem obvious, and it is, but this is where most people—even people who are truly committed to becoming more authentic—get stuck. It’s one thing to notice the tendency to be inauthentic. It’s another to admit that it’s happening, right now, in you, and that there’s another way to be.

Next, take a moment and have a laugh.

Seriously. This is important. You catch yourself defending a point of view you might not really hold, or tolerating someone’s toxicity out of obligation, or fighting for a job you don’t really want. Whatever the situation, the moment you catch yourself having an inauthentic moment, stop and enjoy the discovery.

So you were being inauthentic just now—how funny! You forgot who you were for a moment. Now you remember. Well that was weird…

The other day I was on the phone with my partner, and we had just gotten a list of questions from a journalist interested in our company. The questions were a little strange, a little misleading, and totally out of left field. We spent a few minutes discussing them together, trying to come up with good answers, suddenly finding ourselves inarticulate and confused, each of us getting more worked up as we tried harder and harder to find answers to these not-so-great questions.

Suddenly, I stopped.

“I’m kind of stressed out,” I said.

“Me too!” he said.

And in that little moment, everything shifted. We both realized the questions were unhelpful. We both remembered that we totally knew how to talk about our business. And suddenly, we started coming up with new ideas, new talking points—and they were way better than what we were talking about a moment earlier.

I had been drawn in by a situation—in this case, a list of questions—and had quickly forgotten who I was: a guy who loves talking about what he does, who knows AOC inside and out, who’s excited to share our work with other people. I then started pretending to be this other guy who has clever answers to bad questions. That guy wasn’t a very good partner, and the moment I realized it, I knew I had to say something. After we both recognized our frustration and had a laugh, I remembered who I was, and suddenly I knew exactly what to do. I was back to being myself. I was authentic again.

Laughing at yourself in the moment will also help you avoid another tempting trap: Beating yourself up for being inauthentic. That’s not what we’re here to do. (In fact, I’d argue that being hard on yourself is a very inauthentic thing to do.) It doesn’t feel good, because it’s totally unnecessary. You’re human. It’s normal to slip into inauthentic moments. We’ve learned some funny behaviors from the world around us over the years. Sometimes we forget who we are. It’s all good.

Because when you notice the inauthenticity arising…

You just stop, notice it, and accept it…

And enjoy that moment of remembering who you really are…

You’re on your way toward being more authentic.

Which leads us to the last step in the process…

Finally, you have to be willing to put your inauthenticity aside.

That’s a little harder. A lot of us rely on our roles, our beliefs, our positions, our identities. They’re comforting. They’re familiar. They allow us to navigate the world in a safe and predictable way. Putting them down would mean losing something that we’ve been using, probably for a long time.

Because who are you without the persona? What are you going to say if you don’t give the bullshit compliment? Why are you at this party if you don’t know what to talk about? Do you belong in this meeting if you don’t know the answers?

That’s why a lot of what we do here at AOC is a subtractive process. In some cases, we’re here to add things to you—techniques, skills, sensibilities, frameworks. In other cases, we’re here to remove things—limiting beliefs, assumptions, fears, and—as a result—inauthenticity.

Ultimately, you don’t become more authentic by trying to be more authentic (remember the paradox!), but by removing all the other stuff—the hollow statements, the biased beliefs, the silly opinions, the feigned interest, the canned responses, the formulaic answers—that makes up your inauthenticity.

Authenticity isn’t the presence of something, but the absence of everything that isn’t authentic.

Let that sink in. You’re not here to add anything to become more authentic. You’re only here to take away anything that isn’t real. Remember that when you find yourself disconnected from who you really are, and you’ll quickly find a path back to a fun, enjoyable, authentic moment.

Once you put aside your inauthenticity, you’re left with only one option: You have to be yourself. You have no other choice. It’s a little scary, but it’s also liberating.

As Oscar Wilde said:

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Jordan Harbinger -  The Art of Charm