Limiting Belief or Empowering belief?

A typical teacher at Brockley County Grammar School

One of my strongest beliefs over the years is that I need to be stressed to work effectively. I went to a prominent school in London where great results and a university education were expected as a minimum requirement. The school would send 3 or four students a year to either Oxford or Cambridge universities (world renowned for high educational standards and the best that the UK has to offer).

You can just imagine how for a certain amount of the students this would cause a lot of pressure. Some would handle it better than others but my way of handling it was to become the 'class joker' which I did in order to deflect attention away from low self-esteem and my studies at a school where I was forced to do what I didn't really want to do, but had to do it nonetheless.

In the early years my results were understandably poor and I was seen as lazy. However, by the time I was 14 or 15 I began to realise that passing my exams was important even though I didn't enjoy learning in the way I was being taught. I began to make more of an effort then. The point is that all of my school reports bar none would express the teacher's opinion that I work best under pressure.

Throughout my entire life to date I've seen this as a positive belief and used it to spur me on in my endeavours. I was doing pretty well too. However, eventually I came to the conclusion that it's the same belief that has had me thinking that it makes life too hard and that's why over the years I'd left so many projects incomplete. Does this sound like anything you've experienced?

I know this belief works for a lot of people (it worked for me when I was at school) but it's very difficult to sustain over a long period of time, so by the time we reach 50 (or in many cases way earlier) we can experience all sorts of problems such as burnout, depression and all of the other side issues that fatigue can lead to in our lives.

I decided to change my interpretation of this once empowering belief to a limiting belief and replaced it with the more conscious belief that working hard is fun and far less stressful when you're enjoying what you do. It reduces stress to the Nth degree when you're passionate about what you're doing.

If you feel less productive, or just plain fed up or tired as you get older, try a new belief on for size. Take a look at the areas of your life that aren't working as well as you'd like. Challenge an outdated belief that you've carried along from childhood and see if you can come up with one that's more empowering. Then TAKE ACTION on your new belief! You might surprise yourself.

I'd be interested to know how that worked for you. Please leave a comment.

Teenage Girls + Media = Low Self-Esteem

Is it really true that teenage girls + media = low self-esteem?

The issue of media's impact on teenagers has generated a lot of interest in the
last decade. Despite contradictory findings, all researchers agree that teenage
girls as a group are focused on their looks--especially on what they don't like
about themselves! Marketing departments and ad agencies spend millions each year
targeting teenage girls who spend much of their hard-earned dollars (and their
parents' hard-earned dollars!) on looking good. Although the message of "girl
power" is prevalent in today's marketing messages, so is the irrefutable idea
that "sexy" and "thin" are in!

The dieting industry alone generates 40 billion dollars per year in America. If
you believe diets are just for adults, you will be shocked to learn that a
Harvard study (Fat Talk, Harvard University Press) published in 2000 revealed
that 86% of teenage girls are on a diet or believe they should be on one. Diets
are common among both teens and children. According to the National Eating
Disorders Association, 51% of 9 and 10-year-old girls actually feel better about
themselves when on a diet. As a society, our obsession with thin is relatively
new. Most people (especially teens) are shocked to find that sex icon Marilyn
Monroe actually wore a size 14!

But pick up a fashion magazine today and you'll find models who are thinner than
98% of all the girls and women in America. Turn on a television and see 'sexy'
celebrities such as Shania Twain, Britney Spears and Pamela Anderson baring
their flesh. It is these role models who have become the standard of what is in
vogue in the twenty-first century.

Do Teenage Girls have Low Self-esteem because of Media?

One of the most fascinating shows on self-image for teens was aired on Discovery
Channel's "Sex Files" program (Episode 12: Girl Power). During the show, they
reported on eating disorders on the island of Fiji. In 1995, this tropical
paradise had only 3 percent of girls with eating disorders in 1995.

Then western television programs were introduced, including "hits" such as ER,
Melrose Place and Xena: Warrior Princess. Three years later, the eating
disorders in girls on the island rose to 15%. A surprising follow-up study
reported 74% of Fijian girls feeling "too fat or big" and 62% had dieted in the
last month--surprising in a culture that typically upholds curvaceous women as
beautiful.

Five Ways to Ensure Media Does Not Contribute To Low Self-esteem in Teenage
Girls

Fortunately, parents have a huge impact on a teenage girl's self-esteem--more so
than even the media. Thus, there is much we as parents can do to ensure our
teenage girls' self-esteem soars! Here are five helpful parenting tips:

1. Encourage and Support Your Daughter's Achievements and Passions. Focus
on what it is that your teenage daughter is good at. If she enjoys math, animals
or singing, support her. Acknowledge the presence of pretty girls in the media
with, "Obviously outward beauty is one of her gifts. You've got many gifts
yourself!" Then name these gifts as well as you can.

2. Help your Daughter Get in Touch with Reality. We are bombarded with
perfect idealized models of what a woman should look like. But the fact is less
than 1% of the girls out there will ever become a super model. Besides, no one
can compete with computer airbrushing! Share these facts with your daughter. And
please note that if you are complaining about your own "thunder thighs", this
message is going straight to your daughter's heart. Make a commitment to raise
your own self-image. No one, including you, is perfect. It is our imperfections
that actually make us human. Having the courage to be imperfect makes our life
easier and much more joyful.

3. Focus on a Healthy Lifestyle - The less junk food you keep around the
house, the less you and your family will eat it! Do you and your family a
favor--stock up on the healthy stuff and refrain from insisting on second
helpings. If the scale in your home is a bit of an obsession, consider tossing
it out. Instead focus on how well and how healthy each of you feels instead.

4. Contribute to Others - Our preoccupation with our own weight can be
positively transformed when we start focusing on others. Volunteerism boosts
self-esteem. Volunteer as a family, bring a smile to others, and you'll all be
reminded of how truly fortunate you are.

5. Encourage Dad to Pay Attention in a Positive Way - Help Dad understand
how detrimental well intentioned teasing about weight or looks can be. Encourage
him to spend time with his daughter focusing on all the things that she is great
at.

It is sad that many teenage girls and women believe that they need to be someone
other than who they truly are. It is time to come clean for ourselves, for the
race of woman and for our children, by beginning to love the person we are--flaws
and all. Embracing our imperfection gives us the opportunity to see all the
awesome things about ourselves: to acknowledge that we do have nice eyes, nice
breasts, nice legs, nice whatever! And as we stop hiding our flaws, suddenly our
psychological zits will become the beauty marks that make us stand out from the
crowd.

Interesting huh? What do you think? Let us know by leaving a comment.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/96389

Is Humility Strength And Evidence Of High Self Esteem?

Some would say that an achieved humble man has high self-esteem as he doesn't have to prove anything to anyone. Yes, I can see that point, although that's not the end of the story and it is hardly the beginning either. Not long ago, I was discussing all this with a fellow think tank type mind and they noted an old famous quote:

"Humility is not thinking less of oneself, but thinking of oneself less. Humility is strength not indecision."

Sure, on the surface that does sound like a well-spoken piece of wisdom, but on second thought; is it so? You see, I humbly disagree. How is humility strength? It can be deceptive, hiding one's abilities, I guess deception can be viewed as holding back knowledge and knowledge is power, therefore considered strength - of course, I quite certain that the maker of that quote wasn't thinking about it in that way.

Kids are definitely not humble, they are very self-centered, it's always I, I, I and it is always about them or they cry. Why? Simple, it is natural for them to be that way. We say they need to grow up if they live their life in the first person, by growing up we mean taught or learn to appropriate behavior. Humility is taught, it is learned, it is not natural, it is nurture, and that's fine, but it is our (societies') enforcement upon the individual.

There is nothing wrong with Ego, or I, nothing at all, it's natural and normal and actually first-person thinking, there is nothing wrong with Ayn Rand's Objectivism either. We often attach more character to the humble one, but why? You may not like John Mac Enroe or his behavior on the tennis court, but you also can't touch his skills with a ten-foot pole either. Who is right, it's his life, and people are free to act as they will, in the US we have free speech, which also means tooting one's own horn in self-promotion.

You may not like Donald Trump or Richard Branson for their brashness and perceived megalomaniac style behavior, but since you are not a billionaire who are you to judge? Those who are humble and great may make us feel better about ourselves, and the powers-that-be less threatened, but that doesn't make it a virtue, it is not.

We are told not to judge another man until we walk a mile in their shoes, but apparently it's okay to judge someone who is less humble - why? Simple, it is society's way of reinforcing a specific learned behavior - why? To make us all feel better about ourselves. However, if we were more comfortable in our own skin, we wouldn't be bothered by less-than-humble folks in the first place. Dare to debate?

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9489818

Is it Good or Bad to become Truly Selfish?

Many people are pursuing self-transformation through self-transcendence. They believe that the self is evil. Religions preach that we're born with original sin, and culturally, we are told that altruism and self-sacrifice will lead to a more fulfilling, happy, and rewarding life. These illogical beliefs lead to the absurd, but commonly accepted ideas, that self-abnegation will lead to happiness and spiritual fulfillment. The more we sacrifice ourselves, the superior we are morally.


On the other hand, being selfish is considered bad and that people who are selfish are considered greedy, and untrustworthy. In our culture, we associate selfishness with someone who is willing to stab you in the back, and step all over you to get what they want. With that sort of religious and cultural conditioning, it is easy to understand why so many people never achieve happiness, success, wealth, or live the lifestyle they want.

As kids, we were taught to think of others before ourselves, but in the adult world, and especially in business, that mentality will inevitably lead to disaster, depression, bankruptcy, and resentment. If we sacrifice our needs and wants to please others, believing that makes us a good person, and that we will be rewarded for it, we only set up ourselves up for resentment and hostility when life isn't forthcoming.


The reason people are looking to sacrifice their ego is because their ego is weak and fragile. You can't sacrifice something you don't have. The ego in a mature and healthy individual is not something to sacrifice, but something to praise, to be proud of, and to value. You can't have self-esteem, believe you are important and valuable, and want to relinquish your ego. 

That doesn't mean you should exaggerate your importance. Acting arrogant is just as insecure as feeling inferior. It means that you realize that life doesn't owe you anything, and if you want something in life, you have to put yourself first. Politicians, and anyone else in power do it all the time. Politicians act like they are catering to the needs and wants of the people, something altruism praises, but the reality is, they have been caught many times catering to their own needs. Politicians understand that if they don't look after their own interest, no one else will. If we are continuously sacrificing ourselves to others, and catering to what they want, what are they doing, and who is catering to us? Reality doesn't work that way, and the people who understand this are the richest, smartest, and most powerful people in the world.

Take off the rose-colored glasses and realize that everyone is working for their own agenda and self-interest, and there's nothing wrong with that. Even charities are selfish, working for their own interest, as well as the interest of many. Being selfish doesn't mean that you're evil. In fact, often when we act for our personal gain, the people around us gain as well. People who volunteer their time, or donate their money, do it for selfish reasons. They do it to feel good, and by wanting to feel good, the people around them gain as well. Its win-win and not a win-lose, which is what we are mistakenly led to believe.

In life, you lose when you consistently put other people first. By making the needs and wants of other people more important than your own, you unwittingly affirm that you are not important, and don't deserve success and happiness. How can you have a sense of personal dignity, and self-respect by continuously acting and behaving in ways that contradict that? Having self-esteem requires you to be selfish most of the time. It means you acknowledge your worth, that your opinion means something, and that your needs and wants are important. Self-sacrifice tells you to deny all those things.For further reading, I recommend Ayn Rand's essay on the Virtue of Selfishness.

What do you think? Do you agree with any of this and if yes to what degree? Leave a comment about this interesting, mind provoking post.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9500335

Conquering Your Fears One Day at a Time

Fear is very powerful. It affects everyone from time to time. Doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, even if you are the most successful person on this planet.

Fear can be both good and bad. It can be good in the sense that sometimes it allows us to escape from harm.

On the other hand, fear can be bad for us in the sense that it may prevent us from pursuing what we truly desire in life. Some examples of this include: talking to an attractive woman for the first time, starting a new business, climbing a mountain, and so on and so forth.

Getting over our fears is necessary in order to pursue the things we want to accomplish in our lives. The way a person engages fear determines how successful that person can be throughout their life. If a person let's fear take over when he wants to pursue a beneficial opportunity, he will be unable to even start his pursuit. 

However, if a person faces her fear and pushes through it, this fear will start to become less and less powerful. She will be considered a courageous person and will naturally increase the amount of self-confidence and success in her life. Fear of failure is the one of the most common fears we face from day to day, but exercising courage can help us to break down this fear.

Lesson of the day:

Find something you truly want to accomplish in your life right now, something that you are afraid to do, but if you are successful, will be help you reap many personal and maybe even financial rewards.

Pursue this opportunity, despite the fear you feel and put it in the back of your mind that you don't care about being successful in the short term, because you are just gaining experience in this field.

This will take off a lot of pressure from your mind and will allow you to enjoy the experience, while building your skill set, increasing your chances of becoming successful in the future.

Also, if whatever you want to pursue requires financial stability and/or more preparation, then by all means take care of that first. Otherwise, you will have a bad start and might even be worse off than before. Strike a balance between preparation and pursuing the opportunity in order to become successful later down the road.

I hope you all enjoyed today's post and hope you will join me on the journey to self-confidence mastery!

Cheers!

P.S. I would love to hear what you have to say about this post. Feel free to comment below!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9503464

5 Myths About Introverts

Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Page, Barack Obama, Emma Watson, Christina Aguilera, and J.K Rowling. What do these people have in common? Besides from being world-renowned and successful? They are all self-proclaimed introverts.

Introversion is a termed popularized by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist who formulated the theory of temperament. It lies on the opposite side of extroversion in the personality continuum scale. Wherein, ambiversion is in the middle. Introverted person tends to be called as a shy, reticent person which is far from the truth. That is why they are easily misunderstood in our extraverted world.

The difference between two extreme temperaments relies on how their brains work. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is responsible for the control of your pleasure and reward centers. In a MRI scan, you can see that the response of dopamine to stimuli is long and complicated in an introvert brain. While in extroverts, the pathway is shorter. Flooding of dopamine through overstimulation makes an introvert exhausted during social gathering making them look like they are not a people person. Here are some of the common myths about introverts that we need to know and understand.

1. They are shy.

Being shy is different from being an introvert. Shy people avoid social interaction due to fear of social judgment. Introverts are not afraid being social. It is just too much for them. They need to have a reason to interact.

2. They do not like people or talking to them.

They do not want a lot of small talks from many people. Chattiness is full-force when they are interested on the topic. They also value true and long-lasting friendship even if they only have a few.

3. They always want to be alone.

Introverts loves daydreaming and thinking things through. They are very dependent. They do not like sharing their thoughts to everyone but only to the ones close to them.

4. They are weird.

Unlike extroverts, they do not conform to the bandwagon. They do not follow the fashion trends because of their great sense of individuality.

5. They do not know how to relax and have fun.

Reading and staying at home are fun for them. And parties! But not as long as extroverts would stand. They do not seek high stimulating situation because it is important for them to recharge and reenergize to process everything in.

Introverts are not difficult to be with. Knowing the facts about introverts will be easy for many of us to take care of them. Here are some tips straight from introverts themselves on how to deal with them.

1. Respect their need for privacy.
2. Never embarrass them in public.
3. Let them observe first in new situations.
4. Give them time to think. Do not demand right away for answers.
5. Don't interrupt them.
6. Give them advance notice of expected changes in our lives.
7. Give them 15-minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing.
8. Reprimand them privately.
9. Teach them new skills privately.
10. Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities.
11. Don't push and to make lots of friends.
12. Respect their introversion. They cannot be fix to be extroverts.

If many people are aware how most introverts make smarter decisions and better leaders, those myths will be gone for good. The world will know how to treat them well without discrimination, with due respect and a lot time for them just to be themselves same goes with the extroverts and ambiverts.

Would you consider yourself to be an introvert? If you can you identify with this post please share.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9523317

THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM

True story don't you think? Leave a comment and let us know.

How To Boost Your Self-Image Fast

In his bestselling book <The Psycho-Cybernetics>, Maxwell Maltz once said that, "The self-image is the key to human personality and human behavior. Change the self-image and you change the personality and the behavior."

When you develop a positive self-image, your confidence will soar and so as your ability to handle new situations.

The best thing is that the world tends to accept the self-image you place on yourself.

When you have a strong, positive, self-believing self-image, others are going to accept that frame of mind and behave differently for you.

The first step to increasing your self-image is to know yourself.

Know thyself, Socrates intelligently said.

Not only do you need to understand your current skill levels, strengths and abilities, you also want to determine your weaknesses, disadvantages, trigger points so you can improve upon.

Never beat yourself up for discovering the ugly side of yourself. Flaws can always be turned into gifts if you work on them long enough.

Also, determine what parts about you are most crucial and urgent to change and focus all your energy on those areas.

There probably are aspects you don't concern that much and won't have significant effect on your self-image. Ignore those.

You want to concentrate all your power to change those with most leverage and impact.

And frankly, sometimes you should just accept those insignificant parts of your personality and move on to greater things.

Change is a constant. Success is change.

If you don't feel good about the current version of yourself, you must be willing to overcome the inertia of staying in the status quo and step up to take the tough challenges of changing your identity.

It's NOT going to be easy I guarantee. Our brain will do everything to sabotage your intention to change because of homeostasis. It always wants to make things as stable as possible.

But you do want to boost your self-image right? Then you must commit to taking consistent small imperfect actions to slowly shift your set point. It totally worth it.

One of the fastest ways to boost your self-image is to upgrade your style.

Yes, I am talking about upgrading how you look, how you dress and how you present yourself even BEFORE you speak and meet any people.

Upgrading your looks and outfits is a huge challenge to most of us because we are not used to seeing our sexy, handsome, beautiful selves.

So if you can afford an image consultant, hire them and let them design a better style for you.

Want to know the secrets why most celebrities are so confident?

It's because those image consultants are trained to make people look good, feel good and develop massive self-love and confidence.

It's an uncomfortable process when you dress differently, but it's the fastest way to embrace a new identity and boost your self-esteem.

Remember that elevating your self-image is a process of change.

Stop living your life based on what others believe, like or think.

Stop comparing your back stage with successful people's front stage.

Stop pleasing others and sacrificing your own happiness.

You are the only person who knows what's best for you.

It's up to you to uplift your self-image and raise the standards of the game you're playing at.

When you change, everything changes. When you improve, every aspect of your life will improve.

I look forward to a newer, better, greater version of you soon.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9524418

You Must Build or Rebuild Your Self-Esteem or You Will Never Be Successful

I know this first hand. I have fought against a low self-esteem my entire life. My birth father left my mother and I when I was 6 months old and I never saw nor heard from him again. My mother remarried my adopted father who loved me and I loved him. We still do. But he suffered from self-esteem issues too, and he took it out on my Mom, my sister and me. We were all called "stupid", "dump" "idiots" for most of my adolescent years. As a big kid, I endured many days on the playground by being called, "fat Matt". Odds are you have had similar unfortunate experiences. Our brains record it all and our self-esteem suffers because of it.

 But you MUST overcome these cut downs and develop a positive self-esteem and self-image or success will always elude you. Positive self-esteem is what lifts us up after a defeat. It's the confidence we rely upon to keep on keepin' on. Unfortunately, many people never really master building or rebuilding their self-esteem. Here are some tips I have used that will help you get yours built back up.

1. It's not a curse... it's a blessing. Use the negative experiences you have faced as fuel to rebuild your self-esteem. Deep down, those negative experiences can drive you to success if you use them properly. Drop the blame, and remember the times when you were beat down as powerful. Prove your doubters wrong, don't allow them to be proven right.

2. Seek Mastery of something. When you are a master of something, it produces confidence. The key is to master something, anything. Learn to hit a golf ball 400 yards. Learn to play Billy Joel songs on the piano. Get in tip top shape via working out. Become a top notch cold caller in your sales career. Anything that proves that you took the time to focus on it, skill up, and therefore master it.

3. Do more of what you fear. Do more of what you fear most... LOTS MORE. Repetition is the mother of all skill and the more reps you can take the more you bury the fear and move closer to mastery the better. The key is MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF REPS. Once or twice is not enough. You need to take lots of swings at bat. If you are terrified of speaking, do more speaking. If you can't make a cold call, do more cold calls. Think of this like my friend Grant Cardone suggests in his book THE 10X RULE. Do everything with a factor of 10X to it.

4. Leverage your mastery. Put yourself in locations and situations for your mastery to shine. If you have mastered hitting a golf ball 400 years, then sign up for the company or industry golf tournament. You know that when you arrive on the first tee box, you will hit the ball farther than anyone, and others will be amazed. Therefore, your mastery will put you in a class to yourself, and people will want to be around you and invite you to be on their team. When you start a new job on the sales floor, be the person who can bang out 100 cold calls without blinking an eye. This will separate you on day one from the competition, and you will be looked at as a master. Sit at the piano when you are having drinks with clients and start playing Piano Man. Your clients will be impressed, and your self-esteem issue will go out the window. Invite your new date to the gym with you and let them see how many pull ups you can do and they too will be impressed. Your mastery must be used as constant fuel for you to continue to build or rebuild your self-esteem. Getting great at something gives you the confidence to get great at other things.

5. Help someone else. It's sad that so many people who are in a position to help whether it's a coach, a co-worker or even a parent, don't take more time to recognize self-esteem issues in others. Be that person, be the person that helps. The topic of self-esteem is vital to your success. For some, the building or rebuilding process can be done quickly. For others, like me, it takes a long time. But either way, nothing is more worth the effort.

Are you up for this challenge? What could be possible if you took this on? let us know.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9525087

The Myth of Limiting Beliefs

So what do you think of this? What if we decided to focus on what does work rather than what doesn't? I'd love to hear what you think so please leave a comment.

Do I Need a Coach to Help me Realise my Dreams?

Have you ever felt  that you've been searching for that crutch to help you get to your dreams because you haven't felt personally worthy or powerful enough to make them come true.

Just about everyone who ever made their dream a reality had help to get them there. There's a pretty good chance that's why you're reading this right? If that's true I can completely empathise with you. I've been there along with millions of others who are still searching for a way to realise that elusive dream.

For many years several coaches were supposed to deliver the magic bullet, or that piece of inspiration that will make lifelong changes possible for me. I can acknowledge the role of a coach, I have one myself but the truth is the coach is never the one taking the actions. It's never time to stop dreaming but a dream is just a dream.

All of the answers are in taking the necessary action to make the dream a reality. I'm a great believer in asking powerful questions that have me consider the next part of my journey. A coach will often put these questions before you when you haven't considered asking them yourself but we still have to get in the car and drive to our destination. It's often a long, long drive; not always just of days or weeks but often of months or years. We have to make sure we stop to refuel along the journey and gathering information such as reading this post is a way of providing that fuel but in my experience by far the best way is in having a coach. We need to remember though, that we're still the only one who's driving the car.

Some days we're on the motorway on a sunny day and the route is smooth and direct but as often as not there are a maze of country roads, thunderstorms, traffic jams, rocky terrain, unseen hazards or even complete loss of visibility. There's always the unforeseen possibility of a breakdown or getting lost for a while. The question is, "would we let the possibility of a breakdown or being lost temporarily prevent us from continuing the journey?" Even in the unlikely event that we did breakdown, and assuming the call of the destination was urgent enough, wouldn't we be pretty confident of finding another way to get there?

In answer to the question "Do I need a coach to help me realise my dreams?" I would say that of those at the top of the tree in their particular sphere you'll find that 99.9% have a coach but not one of them gives the coach any responsibility for what they are looking to achieve. Neither do they give him 1% of the responsibility for what they haven't achieved. But still, no fuel, no journey right?

Accountability is key and there is no one better qualified than a coach to help keep you fueled up on your journey to a better life. However, never lose sight of who's driving the car and what awaits at the end of the journey. Otherwise you're just wasting not only your time but also the time of your coach.

I'd be interested to hear about your journey with and without a coach. Please do  leave a comment.

Stop Selling Yourself Short

You know what he's talking about! Tell us how you can make it happen.

How to Eliminate Negative Thought (3 day Challenge)

Will you try Leo's 3 day challenge? Let us know what's on your mind.

What are Limiting Beliefs?

So in the last post we talked about how certain experiences from childhood hold us back from doing and having what we want. It’s important to understand why this happens so that we can break free of these self-imposed limitations.

What are limiting beliefs?

 At the most basic level we need to be able to recognise perilous situations so that we can protect ourselves from danger. If we don’t learn that putting a hand in a fire is dangerous there’s nothing to prevent us from doing it again and suffering the same consequences. So it’s important to learn from our experiences so we can protect ourselves from harm.

The problem arises when the beliefs that we form get in the way of our personal growth or hold us back from achieving something we want. We begin to create stories that become distorted over time (check out this short story from a previous blog and you’ll see what I mean!).  We begin to apply labels to ourselves like I’m too old, I’m too young, I’m a woman, I’m not clever enough, I’m not white, I’m too short etc. We use these beliefs (excuses) to keep us in our comfort zone where it feels safe. These are called limiting, or negative beliefs.

How do we develop limiting beliefs?

Our parents most often have the biggest influence on our belief systems. There’s an old saying about turning into your parents even if it’s the last thing you want to happen.  Over-protective parents may have given us too many warnings about taking risks while some of us may have been at risk from their parents from neglect to abuse.  Those extremes and everything in between will give a child a perspective on what to believe in order to stay safe. Just watching her parents gives a child a perspective on what’s safe and what isn’t. There are all kinds of other influences such as peer pressure from other kids, teachers, the environment, media, social structure; even DNA!

We may not always be able to break free of every limiting belief but we can shed some of them and update our thinking on others. We’ll start looking at how to do that in the next few posts. What limiting beliefs do you have that are holding you back? If you’d like to ask a question or share an experience please leave a comment.

Are you Suffering the Effects of a Difficult Childhood?

by fatima-abdelghani      emaze

Are you one of the millions of people in the western world that would consider their childhood to have been particularly tough? Maybe you were abused physically or emotionally when you were very young and feel that this has been holding you back from living a “normal” life.

Well that’s my story. If you’re like me, on the surface you may feel that there are children in war zones or starving around the world that would have willingly swapped what we went through for a few slices of bread and a jug of clean water. Consciously we may understand that we live in a privileged society but it doesn’t seem to help does it? At some level we feel wounded; even emotionally disabled in some way!

 About 10 years ago (in my mid 40’s) I decided that I’d had enough of that feeling and that I wanted to explore the anger and fear that I had carried around with me for so many years. I started to read self-help books (again) that I hoped might help me and eventually came across the number one best selling book ‘The Dark Side of the Light Chasers’ by the late Debbie Ford (RIP my friend and mentor).

That book was to change my life… well that’s not strictly true; I changed my life but that book was the catalyst for change. It helped me take responsibility for my present feelings and actions and which gave me the power to finally make a few changes. That may not be what you want to hear but until we accept responsibility for the choices that we’re making in the present we have no power to alter the way things are. No one else can do it for you. This ultimately led me to become a certified life coach. I wanted to help people overcome the debilitating effects of low self-esteem. That was my mission and at first I failed miserably.

Just like a recovering alcoholic that lack of self-esteem is always likely to be with me at some level. That’s the bad news. The good news is that lack of self-esteem will always be with me at some level. An over inflated ego can be just as damaging as one that’s under inflated so looking to strike a healthy balance should take some of the pressure off. A recovering alcoholic will always admit to being one even though he may never touch another drop. Even the most seemingly confident people lack self-esteem at times.

If you feel like you’re failing miserably don’t give up. You can find another perspective. I know that’s true because I did. How we can embrace a difficult past and use it to our advantage is the subject of  my next topic starting in a few days time, so do sign up and we can explore it together. Why not ask a question or leave a comment and return here to find some tips and tricks that just may help.

Stop Being a People-Pleaser - How to be Yourself

Leo Gura: actualized.org

How to get around the 'Authenticity Paradox'

Want to get around the Authenticity paradox? The first step is to stop being inauthentic. That’s how we get around the authenticity paradox.

It’s not that we’re learning how to be authentic, but that we’re un-learning inauthenticity.

And it turns out that un-learning inauthenticity is very doable.

The first step is to notice when it arises.

That’s it. Just notice it.

The moment you catch yourself being inauthentic—saying something you don’t believe, pretending to feel something you’re not—you’ll want to shake it off pretty quickly. The instinct will be strong, because there’s nothing fun or easy about pretending to be something you’re not. At the end of the day, we all just want to get back to being ourselves.

Then, listen to that instinct.

When you feel the bullshit arising, when you feel the discomfort of pretending to be someone you’re not, stop and pay attention.

That might seem obvious, and it is, but this is where most people—even people who are truly committed to becoming more authentic—get stuck. It’s one thing to notice the tendency to be inauthentic. It’s another to admit that it’s happening, right now, in you, and that there’s another way to be.

Next, take a moment and have a laugh.

Seriously. This is important. You catch yourself defending a point of view you might not really hold, or tolerating someone’s toxicity out of obligation, or fighting for a job you don’t really want. Whatever the situation, the moment you catch yourself having an inauthentic moment, stop and enjoy the discovery.

So you were being inauthentic just now—how funny! You forgot who you were for a moment. Now you remember. Well that was weird…

The other day I was on the phone with my partner, and we had just gotten a list of questions from a journalist interested in our company. The questions were a little strange, a little misleading, and totally out of left field. We spent a few minutes discussing them together, trying to come up with good answers, suddenly finding ourselves inarticulate and confused, each of us getting more worked up as we tried harder and harder to find answers to these not-so-great questions.

Suddenly, I stopped.

“I’m kind of stressed out,” I said.

“Me too!” he said.

And in that little moment, everything shifted. We both realized the questions were unhelpful. We both remembered that we totally knew how to talk about our business. And suddenly, we started coming up with new ideas, new talking points—and they were way better than what we were talking about a moment earlier.

I had been drawn in by a situation—in this case, a list of questions—and had quickly forgotten who I was: a guy who loves talking about what he does, who knows AOC inside and out, who’s excited to share our work with other people. I then started pretending to be this other guy who has clever answers to bad questions. That guy wasn’t a very good partner, and the moment I realized it, I knew I had to say something. After we both recognized our frustration and had a laugh, I remembered who I was, and suddenly I knew exactly what to do. I was back to being myself. I was authentic again.

Laughing at yourself in the moment will also help you avoid another tempting trap: Beating yourself up for being inauthentic. That’s not what we’re here to do. (In fact, I’d argue that being hard on yourself is a very inauthentic thing to do.) It doesn’t feel good, because it’s totally unnecessary. You’re human. It’s normal to slip into inauthentic moments. We’ve learned some funny behaviors from the world around us over the years. Sometimes we forget who we are. It’s all good.

Because when you notice the inauthenticity arising…

You just stop, notice it, and accept it…

And enjoy that moment of remembering who you really are…

You’re on your way toward being more authentic.

Which leads us to the last step in the process…

Finally, you have to be willing to put your inauthenticity aside.

That’s a little harder. A lot of us rely on our roles, our beliefs, our positions, our identities. They’re comforting. They’re familiar. They allow us to navigate the world in a safe and predictable way. Putting them down would mean losing something that we’ve been using, probably for a long time.

Because who are you without the persona? What are you going to say if you don’t give the bullshit compliment? Why are you at this party if you don’t know what to talk about? Do you belong in this meeting if you don’t know the answers?

That’s why a lot of what we do here at AOC is a subtractive process. In some cases, we’re here to add things to you—techniques, skills, sensibilities, frameworks. In other cases, we’re here to remove things—limiting beliefs, assumptions, fears, and—as a result—inauthenticity.

Ultimately, you don’t become more authentic by trying to be more authentic (remember the paradox!), but by removing all the other stuff—the hollow statements, the biased beliefs, the silly opinions, the feigned interest, the canned responses, the formulaic answers—that makes up your inauthenticity.

Authenticity isn’t the presence of something, but the absence of everything that isn’t authentic.

Let that sink in. You’re not here to add anything to become more authentic. You’re only here to take away anything that isn’t real. Remember that when you find yourself disconnected from who you really are, and you’ll quickly find a path back to a fun, enjoyable, authentic moment.

Once you put aside your inauthenticity, you’re left with only one option: You have to be yourself. You have no other choice. It’s a little scary, but it’s also liberating.

As Oscar Wilde said:

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Jordan Harbinger -  The Art of Charm

Learning how to be Authentic is Not Possible!

If authenticity is the feeling of being your real self, then we can define inauthenticity as the feeling of not being your real self.

That can take many forms: masquerading as someone you’re not, compromising what you feel is right, feeling strange in your own skin, mimicking those around you, or generally feeling like you’re not one with your day-to-day experience.

You might recognize inauthenticity as a kind of pretending. It comes along with feelings of fraudulence, deception, self-consciousness, and the feeling that you need to keep up appearances. For many of us, that describes our work personas. For others, that describes who we are in a relationship.

These patterns can become so ingrained that being authentic seems more uncomfortable than faking it. Once we’ve gotten to that point, we can be pretty sure it’s time for a change.

Now, we should pause here and make an important distinction. At its core, inauthenticity does not feel truly comfortable. But let’s not confuse inauthenticity with discomfort. These are two different things.

For example, you might feel uncomfortable approaching a stranger at a bar. But that doesn’t mean approaching a stranger is inauthentic. You can have your experience of being uncomfortable talking to a stranger while remaining authentic about just how uncomfortable you really are.

In fact, that’s exactly what our residential programs are all about: trying new techniques, feeling the discomfort, and being honest—that is, authentic—about how uncomfortable those techniques can feel at first. Over the program, we work through the self-consciousness, and what felt uncomfortable becomes normal, and what felt inauthentic becomes real.

(By the way, that explains why “flawed” approaches can sometimes work really well. I’ve seen guys walk up to girls, tell them how nervous they are to say hello, and go on to have great conversations. At the very least, they’re not pretending, which frees them up to have a real moment. Humans—women especially—are authenticity lasers: They zero in on that shit. People know when they’re talking to the real thing.)

So remember: Discomfort is good, and is usually a sign that you’re being stretched. You might not normally go up to a stranger in a bar, but that doesn’t mean you’re being inauthentic by trying. As a great Harvard Business Review article explains, moving beyond our comfort zones can make us want to protect our identities by retreating to familiar behaviors and styles—behaviors and styles that don’t actually serve us, that aren’t who we really are deep down.

And that’s a corollary to the authenticity paradox: You can be inauthentic by doing what seems authentic (that is, what feels most comfortable), and you can be more authentic by trying things that feel inauthentic (that is, new thoughts and behaviors that are uncomfortable simply because they’re new).

Crazy, I know. But that’s how our minds can deceive us into avoiding who we really are.
Jordan Harbinger -  The Art of Charm

So back to the problem: If we can’t try to be more authentic, then how can we become more authentic? Find out how in the next post. Leave a comment.

How to Stop being Inauthentic

There’s something funny about the way we talk about authenticity. We want to learn authenticity; we want to react authentically; authenticity is something we want to get. We treat being authentic as something we have, as opposed to something we are which can keep us from actually developing this trait, since we’re trying to attain something that, by definition, we already have.

If we define authenticity as simply being your true self, then we really shouldn’t have to look for it in the first place. If we’re looking for it, then we’ve already lost it. And that is what we can call the paradox of authenticity.

 If you’re trying to be authentic, you’re not being authentic. So how can we possibly learn to become more authentic? We have to start by understanding why authenticity is so important. It might seem obvious, but it’s not. After all, we live in a world that thrives on inauthenticity. Traditional jobs run on office politics, the news feeds on false information, celebrities pretend to be real people, brands curate fan pages, even our friends put on nice faces or say what we want to hear to keep us happy. We don’t need to belabor the point, but it’s important to realize how much of our lives are driven by bullshit, which is the lack of authenticity.

But if you think about the moments in your life that are meaningful—I mean truly meaningful—you will always find a degree of realness, of true authenticity. A heartfelt compliment, an honest job review, a great movie, an actually enjoyable first date: these all involve at least some degree of authenticity.

The reason we recognize authenticity is that we’re primed to respond to it. And we’re primed to respond to it authentically. In short, we know it when we see it. And it feels good. It feels true. It feels like something real, which is why it resonates so strongly with us. If we put up with a world that is so often inauthentic, it’s only because we’ve forgotten what real authenticity feels like. But that only makes us hungrier for it, which explains why a politician with even a hint of truth or a speaker who dares to be vulnerable has the power to inspire us.

And when they do—how special! We can probably count those moments on one hand. They’re extraordinary. We feel moved by authentic people, we feel attracted to them. Similarly, we feel attractive when we are being authentic, and when we connect with someone who is authentically engaging with our attractiveness. When we have a killer job interview or a truly special date, what we’re usually saying is that we encountered a moment of mutual authenticity.

Being authentic is also a lot easier. It’s tempting to forget, but being yourself—and being around other people who are themselves—is much easier than pretending, or falsifying, or putting on a social mask, which are common ways to cope with a world that feels false. In fact, it’s inauthenticity that makes pick-up lines, memorized openers and canned responses so attractive. These techniques seem easier, until we discover that they only go so far. They break down as soon as a relationship demands real authenticity, at which point we realize how much easier it would have been to just be ourselves.

So on multiple levels, we’re craving that realness: we want to be authentic, and we want to be around authenticity. The more we try to be something else—what our parents told us we should be, what our jobs demand us to be, what other people seem to think we should be—the more the desire to just be ourselves grows stronger.

If you need any more evidence for why this trait is so important, ask yourself whether you feel better being yourself or pretending otherwise. I think if we’re being honest, it always feels better to be authentic. If it ever feels better to be inauthentic, it’s only because we haven’t quite learned how to be ourselves.

So if authenticity is something we all want, but it’s impossible to have, since it’s something you are and not something you get, then authenticity must be impossible to teach, right?

As I like to say, teaching someone how to be authentic is like teaching someone to be taller. It might even be worse, because no one can fake being taller, but they can definitely fake being authentic. In fact, they do it all the time, as we just discussed.

So how can you learn to become more authentic? As we’ve already discovered, you can’t. That’s the trap. What you can do, however, is stop being inauthentic.

How? That’s where we’ll begin in the next post. Leave a comment. 

Jordan Harbinger -  The Art of Charm